Serenity is like a muscle.

Over the past few months or so, I've had a peace in life. I felt calm when I used to feel road rage, serene when usually frustrated, relaxed when usually anxious. I used to feel most anxious at night, giving me an awful nights sleep. But for several weeks now, I've been falling asleep early and blissfully, even as early as 7:45. It has been restorative, and healing.

A conversation occurred a few days ago that left me disappointed, angry and very negative about myself even though the conversation wasn’t about me at all. I'll leave the content of the conversation for some other time, maybe. It makes me feel that black rainbow of emotions all over again just thinking about it.

I realized this morning how much this conversation affected me:
You’re driving on a four lane road, a car pulls out in front of another and backs up traffic in the lane beside you. A minute passes, and you flick your blinker on to merge left to get away from the tractor trailer in front of you. You look back briefly as you start to merge, and see a white van. You don’t merge, you’ve hardly moved an inch and are still in your lane as the other driver honks at you. You honk back, holding the horn longer than necessary in any situation other than life or death. 

I felt instantly guilty once I’d stopped honking. That poor driver, and everyone around us. Why couldn't I deal with this how I wanted to? To wave an apology, suck in a deep breath, drive on and be grateful I arrived at work safe and sound. To avoid that situation all together even, and just be patient behind that truck and wish compassion on the other drivers rushing about. I called my husband now furious with myself. I tell him that I am angry at myself for not looking first, and angry at the situation all together. What's happened to me? I am appreciative that I can still take responsibility for how I really feel and not go on some crazy tangent about another old man/woman driving like a jerk and how they shouldn’t be on the road…but I’m not reacting how I want to at all! It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realize I feel like I absorbed everything bad and hurtful out of that one conversation and it's seeping out of me. Why?


When I was left feeling negatively about myself, my old anxiety started chewing away at all of my insecurities. I can be blunt about them, and I won’t even try to sit here and defend every single one of them. In fact, does it even matter if I state them? We all have them. Things we don’t love about ourselves that most likely annoy other people. Your old but loved flats stink, you don’t care to do your hair all pretty every day, you tap your foot listening to music most of the day, you talk too loud on the phone, say the wrong thing in situations, talk over other people, never give others the chance to talk, or have the same “uhm” or “yeah” that you say all the time, etc. I think you get the point.
In this situation, my anxiety latch on and started to infiltrate my every thought with these unloved traits. I'm still not sure why to be honest, but I think I know how to remedy the situation. I need to be alone.

I found this peace through aloneness, just spending time with me. I have been refraining from sharing my every thought with people around me. I have been trying to get to know myself, as cliche as that sounds. Researching and reading blogs about clean eating, yoga, allergies, holistic remedies, dog food recipes, etc. Forming my opinions on what I thought, and what I care about. Unknowingly, I’ve been forming opinions that are core to me, important opinions that I have always had but needed to consciously realize. I’ve been leaning on myself rather than discussing with someone else, and often feel moments of “ah ha!”. {I do still share these things with my husband, but not really with anyone else.} I’ve been content doing what I like to do, not thinking about what I should be doing. I should do lots of things, like clean, workout, meal plan, coupon clip, etc.

I’ve been focusing on soul-food things like resting, playing with the dog, attempting my own recipes, reading, and taking in each moment as if it is only a brief diamond in time. Moments that I will treasure forever, like looking at my husband’s profile, and wondering if his hair looks more like whipped batter or fluffy eggs, and if our future kids will have that hair. Watching the news and acknowledging that a particular story makes me feel empathy, and taking a moment to think through my feelings and the story further. It’s been good for my soul, like looking at my sweet puppy’s face and her beautiful brown and gold eyes as she looks at me and I know that I am such a big part of her world. My heart is light like I tied my anxiety and worries to a balloon and finally let go. I have been consciously focusing on positive feelings and ultimately positive thoughts, exploring a continuous train of my own thoughts and learning to listen to my own internal voice. I haven’t been sitting in a dark room meditating, but the result has been similar. I have done my best to not think negative thoughts of others’ actions or thoughts, just focusing on my own.

"...serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. "

I realize this all sounds selfish. But it’s something I felt a deep need to document, basically journal, for myself. Something about having this harmony with myself, a cease-fire between my heart and brain, is something I never want to lose. It’s something I think I felt once in a yoga class, and knew that this feeling was what I saw on experienced yogi’s faces when I peeked during meditation. I think that this serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. I think the ultimate way to feel victorious over this disruption in my peace is to view it as something positive. It’s a situation where I forgot to flex the muscle, and when I did, I was too weak. Just like when I severely tore my hamstring in dance, I needed to find out why it happened, how to prevent it from happening again, and slowly bring myself back to heal with an inside-out recovery process that took too long because I wasn’t acknowledging how I felt.

Maybe this is one of those self-discovery moments that people say your twenties are full of.

Hairspiration

Have you ever tried to google things like, “Hair growth journey,” “grow dyed hair,” etc?

Don’t google the first. Go for the last. The first showed me photos I want to remove from my mind for forever. Just, no. Google failed me.

There are some days where I just can’t stand the idea of waiting. And then there are other days when I realized that my natural hair by the hairline is halfway to making it into a ponytail! That’s what I call progress! 

{I realize I didn't give you guys a proper update two weeks ago, but I'm now at about 2.75 inches. Still keeping up with the .5" per month. It's so dark by the time I get home, I can't get good pictures. And our weekends have been insane! Thankfully not much has changed so I'm sure you guys don't mind too much!}

& then I realize I still have about 9 more inches until it hits my shoulders, and that equates to 18 months. Suddenly I’m just not so happy anymore. That seems like forever away. I mean for crying out loud in 18 months I will have had two birthdays, and so many other things....

The ends of my hair will be so bad, I am sure I will have to have a good trim in January at least. I'm not sure I'll achieve any additional length, making my dreams of donating again seem unrealistic. 

If you have days like this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I try to stay sane, and most days I only think about hair growth in the morning when I actually bother to brush my hair (hahaha). 

Well, I think you should go ahead and surf pinterest, and even follow my board! It's tough to find good pins, but I've managed a few that talk about hair health, fun long hair styles (for while I still have it long!), and even ways to disguise your roots. 

You'll see, I've even considered dying the ends of my hair crazy colors....and why not if it's already too damaged? You can't donate bleached hair, but no one will want that crazy damaged stuff anyway! Next long vacation away from work, I might just have to give it a go!

Hairspiration!

{alas, gnocchi!}

For the past month of so, I've been flirting with the idea of veganism. Not for moral issues, although I was vegetarian for several years. I started eating meat again because I tore my hamstring, and found out I was allergic to the soy and nuts I'd been chowing down on. (Only an itchy throat and upset stomach, and then BAM-no, you can't have it.)

I realized we basically follow the plant based diet, eating vegetables/fruits/plants almost all the time and animal products about 20% of the time. I'd like to cut down the animal products, so I've tried hemp milk, almond milk, and rice milk. I wasn't crazy about all of them, except hemp milk would be good if it wasn't flavored. Veggie cheese is good! I use flax as a replacement for egg. So I'm slowly making the transition, while still serving Mr. Meat his daily meat with dinner. It's not easy.

When we were in Belize, I had the BEST gnocchi I've ever had! It was perfectly done on the outside, and soft on the inside. I got the recipe from the resort, but it wasn't specific enough for me. Lucky ducky us, I found an AWESOME recipe off of miles for thought!

Butternut Squash Gnocchi
1/2 medium butternut squash, cut in half lengthwise and seeded
2+ cups of flour (regular or fluten-free)
12 tsp dried rosemary (or whatever herb you'd rather have)
1/2 tsp dried thyme (or whatever herb you'd rather have)
1/2 tsp salt

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 425. Fill a glass pan with 1" of water, place squash cut side down. Bake 45 minutes {or less if needed, it took me 45}.

2. Remove, and set the drained squash aside. Let it cool completely. You can also do this part ahead of time, and put in the fridge for another time

3. Beat/whip the squash well. Add 1c flour and desired herbs and use hands to work in flour until combine. Add remaining flour slowly until the dough isn't sticky- I often don't need much more, I guess I have small squash. Don't over mix, although I haven't been able to over mix it yet.

4. Form four dough balls. On a lightly floured surface, roll into a thin log and cut off small pieces. That's the gnocchi! If you want to be picky, you can roll them down a fork to get the grooved look. I can't be bothered.

5. Place on a single layer of parchment paper and freeze for later or drop into slightly boiled water. Stir lightly, don't let them stick to the bottom. After 10 minutes, or when they float to the top, they are done!

6. Drain & add your own sauce. They say this makes 5 servings, but I would say maybe 3! We love it!