Serenity is like a muscle.

Over the past few months or so, I've had a peace in life. I felt calm when I used to feel road rage, serene when usually frustrated, relaxed when usually anxious. I used to feel most anxious at night, giving me an awful nights sleep. But for several weeks now, I've been falling asleep early and blissfully, even as early as 7:45. It has been restorative, and healing.

A conversation occurred a few days ago that left me disappointed, angry and very negative about myself even though the conversation wasn’t about me at all. I'll leave the content of the conversation for some other time, maybe. It makes me feel that black rainbow of emotions all over again just thinking about it.

I realized this morning how much this conversation affected me:
You’re driving on a four lane road, a car pulls out in front of another and backs up traffic in the lane beside you. A minute passes, and you flick your blinker on to merge left to get away from the tractor trailer in front of you. You look back briefly as you start to merge, and see a white van. You don’t merge, you’ve hardly moved an inch and are still in your lane as the other driver honks at you. You honk back, holding the horn longer than necessary in any situation other than life or death. 

I felt instantly guilty once I’d stopped honking. That poor driver, and everyone around us. Why couldn't I deal with this how I wanted to? To wave an apology, suck in a deep breath, drive on and be grateful I arrived at work safe and sound. To avoid that situation all together even, and just be patient behind that truck and wish compassion on the other drivers rushing about. I called my husband now furious with myself. I tell him that I am angry at myself for not looking first, and angry at the situation all together. What's happened to me? I am appreciative that I can still take responsibility for how I really feel and not go on some crazy tangent about another old man/woman driving like a jerk and how they shouldn’t be on the road…but I’m not reacting how I want to at all! It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realize I feel like I absorbed everything bad and hurtful out of that one conversation and it's seeping out of me. Why?


When I was left feeling negatively about myself, my old anxiety started chewing away at all of my insecurities. I can be blunt about them, and I won’t even try to sit here and defend every single one of them. In fact, does it even matter if I state them? We all have them. Things we don’t love about ourselves that most likely annoy other people. Your old but loved flats stink, you don’t care to do your hair all pretty every day, you tap your foot listening to music most of the day, you talk too loud on the phone, say the wrong thing in situations, talk over other people, never give others the chance to talk, or have the same “uhm” or “yeah” that you say all the time, etc. I think you get the point.
In this situation, my anxiety latch on and started to infiltrate my every thought with these unloved traits. I'm still not sure why to be honest, but I think I know how to remedy the situation. I need to be alone.

I found this peace through aloneness, just spending time with me. I have been refraining from sharing my every thought with people around me. I have been trying to get to know myself, as cliche as that sounds. Researching and reading blogs about clean eating, yoga, allergies, holistic remedies, dog food recipes, etc. Forming my opinions on what I thought, and what I care about. Unknowingly, I’ve been forming opinions that are core to me, important opinions that I have always had but needed to consciously realize. I’ve been leaning on myself rather than discussing with someone else, and often feel moments of “ah ha!”. {I do still share these things with my husband, but not really with anyone else.} I’ve been content doing what I like to do, not thinking about what I should be doing. I should do lots of things, like clean, workout, meal plan, coupon clip, etc.

I’ve been focusing on soul-food things like resting, playing with the dog, attempting my own recipes, reading, and taking in each moment as if it is only a brief diamond in time. Moments that I will treasure forever, like looking at my husband’s profile, and wondering if his hair looks more like whipped batter or fluffy eggs, and if our future kids will have that hair. Watching the news and acknowledging that a particular story makes me feel empathy, and taking a moment to think through my feelings and the story further. It’s been good for my soul, like looking at my sweet puppy’s face and her beautiful brown and gold eyes as she looks at me and I know that I am such a big part of her world. My heart is light like I tied my anxiety and worries to a balloon and finally let go. I have been consciously focusing on positive feelings and ultimately positive thoughts, exploring a continuous train of my own thoughts and learning to listen to my own internal voice. I haven’t been sitting in a dark room meditating, but the result has been similar. I have done my best to not think negative thoughts of others’ actions or thoughts, just focusing on my own.

"...serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. "

I realize this all sounds selfish. But it’s something I felt a deep need to document, basically journal, for myself. Something about having this harmony with myself, a cease-fire between my heart and brain, is something I never want to lose. It’s something I think I felt once in a yoga class, and knew that this feeling was what I saw on experienced yogi’s faces when I peeked during meditation. I think that this serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. I think the ultimate way to feel victorious over this disruption in my peace is to view it as something positive. It’s a situation where I forgot to flex the muscle, and when I did, I was too weak. Just like when I severely tore my hamstring in dance, I needed to find out why it happened, how to prevent it from happening again, and slowly bring myself back to heal with an inside-out recovery process that took too long because I wasn’t acknowledging how I felt.

Maybe this is one of those self-discovery moments that people say your twenties are full of.