Serenity is like a muscle.

Over the past few months or so, I've had a peace in life. I felt calm when I used to feel road rage, serene when usually frustrated, relaxed when usually anxious. I used to feel most anxious at night, giving me an awful nights sleep. But for several weeks now, I've been falling asleep early and blissfully, even as early as 7:45. It has been restorative, and healing.

A conversation occurred a few days ago that left me disappointed, angry and very negative about myself even though the conversation wasn’t about me at all. I'll leave the content of the conversation for some other time, maybe. It makes me feel that black rainbow of emotions all over again just thinking about it.

I realized this morning how much this conversation affected me:
You’re driving on a four lane road, a car pulls out in front of another and backs up traffic in the lane beside you. A minute passes, and you flick your blinker on to merge left to get away from the tractor trailer in front of you. You look back briefly as you start to merge, and see a white van. You don’t merge, you’ve hardly moved an inch and are still in your lane as the other driver honks at you. You honk back, holding the horn longer than necessary in any situation other than life or death. 

I felt instantly guilty once I’d stopped honking. That poor driver, and everyone around us. Why couldn't I deal with this how I wanted to? To wave an apology, suck in a deep breath, drive on and be grateful I arrived at work safe and sound. To avoid that situation all together even, and just be patient behind that truck and wish compassion on the other drivers rushing about. I called my husband now furious with myself. I tell him that I am angry at myself for not looking first, and angry at the situation all together. What's happened to me? I am appreciative that I can still take responsibility for how I really feel and not go on some crazy tangent about another old man/woman driving like a jerk and how they shouldn’t be on the road…but I’m not reacting how I want to at all! It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realize I feel like I absorbed everything bad and hurtful out of that one conversation and it's seeping out of me. Why?


When I was left feeling negatively about myself, my old anxiety started chewing away at all of my insecurities. I can be blunt about them, and I won’t even try to sit here and defend every single one of them. In fact, does it even matter if I state them? We all have them. Things we don’t love about ourselves that most likely annoy other people. Your old but loved flats stink, you don’t care to do your hair all pretty every day, you tap your foot listening to music most of the day, you talk too loud on the phone, say the wrong thing in situations, talk over other people, never give others the chance to talk, or have the same “uhm” or “yeah” that you say all the time, etc. I think you get the point.
In this situation, my anxiety latch on and started to infiltrate my every thought with these unloved traits. I'm still not sure why to be honest, but I think I know how to remedy the situation. I need to be alone.

I found this peace through aloneness, just spending time with me. I have been refraining from sharing my every thought with people around me. I have been trying to get to know myself, as cliche as that sounds. Researching and reading blogs about clean eating, yoga, allergies, holistic remedies, dog food recipes, etc. Forming my opinions on what I thought, and what I care about. Unknowingly, I’ve been forming opinions that are core to me, important opinions that I have always had but needed to consciously realize. I’ve been leaning on myself rather than discussing with someone else, and often feel moments of “ah ha!”. {I do still share these things with my husband, but not really with anyone else.} I’ve been content doing what I like to do, not thinking about what I should be doing. I should do lots of things, like clean, workout, meal plan, coupon clip, etc.

I’ve been focusing on soul-food things like resting, playing with the dog, attempting my own recipes, reading, and taking in each moment as if it is only a brief diamond in time. Moments that I will treasure forever, like looking at my husband’s profile, and wondering if his hair looks more like whipped batter or fluffy eggs, and if our future kids will have that hair. Watching the news and acknowledging that a particular story makes me feel empathy, and taking a moment to think through my feelings and the story further. It’s been good for my soul, like looking at my sweet puppy’s face and her beautiful brown and gold eyes as she looks at me and I know that I am such a big part of her world. My heart is light like I tied my anxiety and worries to a balloon and finally let go. I have been consciously focusing on positive feelings and ultimately positive thoughts, exploring a continuous train of my own thoughts and learning to listen to my own internal voice. I haven’t been sitting in a dark room meditating, but the result has been similar. I have done my best to not think negative thoughts of others’ actions or thoughts, just focusing on my own.

"...serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. "

I realize this all sounds selfish. But it’s something I felt a deep need to document, basically journal, for myself. Something about having this harmony with myself, a cease-fire between my heart and brain, is something I never want to lose. It’s something I think I felt once in a yoga class, and knew that this feeling was what I saw on experienced yogi’s faces when I peeked during meditation. I think that this serenity is like a muscle, something that we have to flex and condition so that it can stay strong in the weakest of moments. I think the ultimate way to feel victorious over this disruption in my peace is to view it as something positive. It’s a situation where I forgot to flex the muscle, and when I did, I was too weak. Just like when I severely tore my hamstring in dance, I needed to find out why it happened, how to prevent it from happening again, and slowly bring myself back to heal with an inside-out recovery process that took too long because I wasn’t acknowledging how I felt.

Maybe this is one of those self-discovery moments that people say your twenties are full of.

Hairspiration

Have you ever tried to google things like, “Hair growth journey,” “grow dyed hair,” etc?

Don’t google the first. Go for the last. The first showed me photos I want to remove from my mind for forever. Just, no. Google failed me.

There are some days where I just can’t stand the idea of waiting. And then there are other days when I realized that my natural hair by the hairline is halfway to making it into a ponytail! That’s what I call progress! 

{I realize I didn't give you guys a proper update two weeks ago, but I'm now at about 2.75 inches. Still keeping up with the .5" per month. It's so dark by the time I get home, I can't get good pictures. And our weekends have been insane! Thankfully not much has changed so I'm sure you guys don't mind too much!}

& then I realize I still have about 9 more inches until it hits my shoulders, and that equates to 18 months. Suddenly I’m just not so happy anymore. That seems like forever away. I mean for crying out loud in 18 months I will have had two birthdays, and so many other things....

The ends of my hair will be so bad, I am sure I will have to have a good trim in January at least. I'm not sure I'll achieve any additional length, making my dreams of donating again seem unrealistic. 

If you have days like this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I try to stay sane, and most days I only think about hair growth in the morning when I actually bother to brush my hair (hahaha). 

Well, I think you should go ahead and surf pinterest, and even follow my board! It's tough to find good pins, but I've managed a few that talk about hair health, fun long hair styles (for while I still have it long!), and even ways to disguise your roots. 

You'll see, I've even considered dying the ends of my hair crazy colors....and why not if it's already too damaged? You can't donate bleached hair, but no one will want that crazy damaged stuff anyway! Next long vacation away from work, I might just have to give it a go!

Hairspiration!

{alas, gnocchi!}

For the past month of so, I've been flirting with the idea of veganism. Not for moral issues, although I was vegetarian for several years. I started eating meat again because I tore my hamstring, and found out I was allergic to the soy and nuts I'd been chowing down on. (Only an itchy throat and upset stomach, and then BAM-no, you can't have it.)

I realized we basically follow the plant based diet, eating vegetables/fruits/plants almost all the time and animal products about 20% of the time. I'd like to cut down the animal products, so I've tried hemp milk, almond milk, and rice milk. I wasn't crazy about all of them, except hemp milk would be good if it wasn't flavored. Veggie cheese is good! I use flax as a replacement for egg. So I'm slowly making the transition, while still serving Mr. Meat his daily meat with dinner. It's not easy.

When we were in Belize, I had the BEST gnocchi I've ever had! It was perfectly done on the outside, and soft on the inside. I got the recipe from the resort, but it wasn't specific enough for me. Lucky ducky us, I found an AWESOME recipe off of miles for thought!

Butternut Squash Gnocchi
1/2 medium butternut squash, cut in half lengthwise and seeded
2+ cups of flour (regular or fluten-free)
12 tsp dried rosemary (or whatever herb you'd rather have)
1/2 tsp dried thyme (or whatever herb you'd rather have)
1/2 tsp salt

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 425. Fill a glass pan with 1" of water, place squash cut side down. Bake 45 minutes {or less if needed, it took me 45}.

2. Remove, and set the drained squash aside. Let it cool completely. You can also do this part ahead of time, and put in the fridge for another time

3. Beat/whip the squash well. Add 1c flour and desired herbs and use hands to work in flour until combine. Add remaining flour slowly until the dough isn't sticky- I often don't need much more, I guess I have small squash. Don't over mix, although I haven't been able to over mix it yet.

4. Form four dough balls. On a lightly floured surface, roll into a thin log and cut off small pieces. That's the gnocchi! If you want to be picky, you can roll them down a fork to get the grooved look. I can't be bothered.

5. Place on a single layer of parchment paper and freeze for later or drop into slightly boiled water. Stir lightly, don't let them stick to the bottom. After 10 minutes, or when they float to the top, they are done!

6. Drain & add your own sauce. They say this makes 5 servings, but I would say maybe 3! We love it!

the cleansing pharmacy - getting rid of medicine

{I have regular discussions with my doctor concerning the material below. If this strikes a chord with you about any of your medications, please discuss it with your doctor. Be your own advocate, and if you do not understand/agree with them then I encourage you to continue seeking medical advice that you MOST IMPORTANTLY UNDERSTAND and also agree with. }

I’m on a silent quest to get rid of all medications. My dear MM does not use them, I don’t want have to use them either! I have been quiet about this for about this process for over a month. One was easy to get rid of, it wasn’t entirely “necessary” to regulate my body once I ate and exercised regularly. As of right now…I’m not ready to talk about that one. However, I have also not questioned my antihistamine “need” for ten years.

Oh, did you catch that? A decade, anyone? Yes. I didn’t question it.

I have taken Allegra and another prescription allergy relief medicine for seven years together. That’s a lot. I always thought I just had really bad allergies. I’ve been using immunotherapy (shots) for five years. I have had significant improvement (allergic to all grass, trees, mold, dust, dog dander, pollen, etc. and have decreased from 5’s to 3’s and 2’s on a 1-5 scale for immunotherapy). So why am I still taking the same medicine?

I blame myself for not being my own advocate and not paying attention to my needs. I was scared about what could happen of course, and my doctor wasn’t going to push me to make a change I wasn’t comfortable with. Finally, I realized that it didn’t make sense.  I didn’t feel any different when I unknowingly and accidentally skipped taking my Allegra medicine for two days. Oddly convenient, but I decided to flow with it. So I called my doctor’s office, and a nurse said it was OK. She said something that I will never forget:

“Only you know how you feel. If you feel you need to take the medicine, then please do. If not, then just be aware of how you feel.”

Wow. She’s right! No one else knows how I feel after a decade of medicine and half a decade of shots.

Not knowing that there was a relationship, I noticed I was had been itchy lately. Maybe I really needed the medicine? What a bummer! I googled it, just to see if Allegra actually “treated” itchy skin. It can be, as a sign of hay fever, etc. Something caught my eye: antihistamine withdrawal. I am not an addict, that’s ridiculous…what the heck does that mean? Curiosity killed the cat, or in this case saved me from more oblong pink pills.

It’s a real thing, and some of the testimonies online are intimidating. I read one story where a person laid in ice to relieve the itching! I didn’t find medical support of the claim, but surmised that maybe that’s what I was experiencing. Maybe I just needed lotion, but I decided to wait it out and be very aware of how I felt. I mentioned it to a nurse, and he didn’t seem over concerned either.

So, I have not had my Allegra in three weeks.*I stopped itching after 10 or so days. I have one more medicine that I am questioning, but I am being respectful and trying to give myself some time to regulate to such a big change. I don’t want to rush things too much, and not be able to discern any negative reactions to one cause or the other.

After two weeks, I feel fine. I’m considering using a neti pot for my occasional nasal congestion but it looks pretty uncomfortable! I have had some chest congestion. {I was using Allegra D, so perhaps my body’s response to a consistent decongestant was to produce more mucus?} I don’t feel unwell, but mentioned it to a nurse again, and still no signs of concern. I’m treating the congestion with:

• Gargling salt water nightly {helps remove any irritants from my throat to prevent my body from reacting to it}
• Sleeping with air purifier
• Washing the dog/bedding regularly {washing the dog too much can dry out their skin, irritating your allergies worse!}
• Drinking tea/warm liquids with a mix of: local** and organic honey, lemon, ginger, lime
• Inhaling steam {not showering in overly warm water-don’t boil your hair! I inhale the steam when using the OCM method}
• Heart openers during yoga {maybe it’s all in my mind, but some positions make me feel better}
• Eating plenty of garlic & onion {garlic is a natural antibiotic, anti-fungal, and antibacterial, onion is to absorb toxins…and I love them both!}
• Wipe off outside particulates {from myself and the dog with a wet washcloth before going to sleep, I don't do this as often as I could.}
• Rest {this is a big change! A lot is happening in your body that you can’t see, so give it a dang break.}

 I hope that I’m able to continue to not use this medicine except for maybe spring allergies, but only time will tell. And I will be sure to treat my symptoms as naturally as I can before resorting to modern medicine again!

Moral of the story is to pay attention to what your body needs. I do not always question my doctors, but think that it’s my responsibility to be an informed patient. I have the right to my own opinion, and I am capable of scholarly research just as much as the next person!

*I continue to follow my Doctor’s orders and take one pill the night before an allergy shot, and 1 hour prior to the shot. I’ll continue to take shots until we don’t see any improvement, the allergy shot process commonly takes between 5-8 years.

**Local honey is often recommended to treat seasonal allergies. I think of it as a form of internal, low dose immunology. It did not help me significantly in the past, before I experience improvement from the allergy shots.

{the pits}

Eureka. 

It works - so this is worth reading! 

I know it is long, please bear with me! 

I have tested it through an hour and a half of hot yoga, picking apples through a hot orchard in a sweater, hours of hot wedding dancing, and I am so happy to say I have found the answer {for me}!

Over the past six weeks, I’ve been experimenting on myself. {because I've never shared something with you guys that I haven't tried on myself!} I found a recipe for homemade coconut deo. As we all know, I’ve tried the all-natural way before. I then confessed that I fell off the bandwagon. I was really tempted to just leave it at that. Because of my first journey down this road before, I KNOW how bad store bought deo can be for you. But I have to confess that I am offended when I am around someone who does not use any kind of deodorant. 

Stomach churning offended. Gross.

I’ve been following a crunchy blogger alex raye and her thoughts on almostexactlyblog.wordpress.com and either 1) she rights in a way that is inspiring, and I wish I could do that! or 2) I realized that I was being ridiculous since all the ingredients I needed were in my cabinets!

Sorry, what? A project that I don’t have to spend ANYTHING on? Done-I am so in!

On a Sunday I whipped up the following!

1. 5 tablespoons organic coconut oil. {the creamy base, also has antibiotic properties. I originally used refined, but have chosen to go to unrefined from now on since it is entirely non processed}

2. 1/4 cup cornstarch {for sweating}
3. 1/4 cup baking soda {for smell}
4. 5 drops of tea tree oil for the natural antibiotic properties

Sensitive to baking soda, or need a different alternative? Check her index here: http://almostexactlyblog.wordpress.com/index/.

What else can you use these ingredients for? Because why buy things you don’t need:

Coconut oil has been a good replacement for any oil, even in this recipe for meatballs.

Cornstarch is a great thickener, and I attempted to make orange chicken with it once but you can use it to thicken soups.

Baking soda is an incredibly multifunctional powder, that can do anything from freshening your carpet to cleaning your jewelry.

Tea tree oil, it’s antibiotic and you can dilute and use as needed!

OKAY, so how did this go?

Day 1 – Good, no smell! I was nervously smelling myself all day. Super attractive.

Day 2 – Okay…a little smell…but I used to always have to wash my underarms after using Tom’s Natural of Maine, so that was nothing new. But I was a bit disappointed. But then I remembered, there is a transition period when we ditch chemicals and go all natural. As a friend put it, it’s like your body saying..what, I have to do work now?

Day 3 and on – occasional smell, but nothing more than a musky scent that wasn’t noticeable unless you stuck your nose too close. I realize the smell only happens when I get really nervous, such as a presentation at work or really excited/anxious. And still, it’s nothing that I can’t prepare myself ahead of time and keep a small jar in my desk or simply wash my pits. 

Why even bother with all of this?

We know that aluminum base compounds are not good for our bodies, and that putting them so close to our lymph nodes aren’t the best idea. Lymph nodes are filters, but don’t deal with toxicity like your liver. We also know that it is OKAY for your body to sweat! It is your body’s smart way of getting rid of toxins! You need to sweat people, even if it isn’t always pretty. It’s  your body’s way of dealing with what we do every day. I am over being vain about something that my body was created to do, and is doing with a purpose!

I have noticed...

• My feet sweat less, how weird is that? Not really, sometimes sweat is going to happen no matter where it comes from, it's your body's way of regulating temperature too. How much depends on your number of sweat glands.
• Softer arm pits-that coco deo really knows how to treat your skin.
• No oil residue on my clothes that I have noticed.
• It is all natural, I KNOW what is in it and I can make it and modify it myself.
• What I eat affects how I smell. If I eat a ton of garlic {yum}, then I am more likely to have a scent. Not always, but more likely. Another incentive to eat all natural, organic, avoid pesticides, and use food as fuel and medicine rather than just what tastes good.
• CUSTOMIZE – I think lavender or some other scents would be wonderful! You can make this your own scent!

I have another friend who just embarked on using coconut oil only, and it’s working for her! I am a bit envious, since I do feel like I need this concoction. At least under my most dominate arm (I’m right handed), since if there is any smell then it’s under my right arm. Kind of interesting, I wonder if ambidextrous people have an even smell? HA!

Test it out on your next lazy day at home, the worst thing that can happen is that you have a smell and you can just wash your pits. Don't forget there is a transition period! Come share your experience!

{Meatballs & orzo}

Check out this DELICIOUS recipe I found!! The difference is that I don't mess with bay leaves. I don't have any, and feel like they leave a musty taste, lol. I also don't recommend using anything except for ground chicken. I think the best part is that:
I've never made meatballs
I've never worked with ground chicken
It's a soup that my MM actually likes!

& this is just in time for cooler weather! It's a different style of noodle, and still hearty like chicken noodle soup.

ingredients.
credit where credit is due
meatballs
    1/2 ground chicken
    1/2 c bread crumbs
    1 egg
    1 garlic clove {or really more like 2, I love garlic!}
    salt & pepper to taste

soup
    2 tbs olive oil/coconut oil/vegetable oil
    1/2c lg yellow onion, diced
    2 med carrots, shredded. {I usually just use a peeler}
    1 garlic clove {again....I use more like 2!}
    2 tbs olive oil/coconut oil/vegetable oil
    meatballs!
    4c chicen stock {don't forget, chicken stock is different from chicken broth! but you can use either}
    seasoning to taste (basil, parsley, dill weed, etc.)

I. 

Meatballs: combine meat, garlic, bread crumbs, egg, any seasoning. Mix until even, divide into small (1-2 tsp) meatballs. Leave on trey while you...

II.

Preheat 2 tbs oil in a soup pot over medium heat, add the onion and carrots. Raise the heat to saute until they caramelize. You'll need to stir often, and you know they are caramelized when the onions are clear/slightly yellow because of the carrots. This is key-this gives a lot of flavor!

III.

Lower the heat and add some the delicious garlic. Saute until fragrant..which should only take a few minutes. Set aside on a different plate. 

IV.
Preheat 2 tbs oil in the same soup pot over medium heat, add the other 2 tbs and the meatballs, cook until they are mostly done. You'll need to turn them so that it's even. 


V.
Once the meatballs are almost cooked (but please be safe!) add the veggies back in, and the veggie stock/broth. 


VI.
Add salt and pepper and orzo. Cook until orzo is almost done, usually about 10 minutes. Check the box of the noodle and do a taste check.

{Four months!}

This transition into growing my hair to be healthy has not been easy, guys. It seems like this last month took so much longer than the first three! The other day I caught my dear MM staring at my hair.

He said he was just looking at it.

I wasn’t happy about that….but I should be glad that the hair colors (my triple ombre as a friend called it!) are now noticeable. It means I am doing something right. It’s growing! And thanks to this coco, your hair, it is growing very quickly. I am starting to see the difference in my hair’s health too, the top is soft and silky and the rest….

Let’s say my hair is 24” long, and grows .5” every month. If you dye your roots/hair every three or so months with no trim, then the ends of my hair have been dyed 12 times. TWELVE TIMES. That’s so much damage!! So honestly I can say that the rest of my hair feels like the individual hairs are thick, like the difference between silk strings and straw. Except my hair doesn’t feel like straw. Except the ends-they were bad.

I finally got a trim the other day, and it was a horrible experience. She ripped my hair out with a brush (brushing top down, didn’t even detangle!), cut off twice as much as I wanted (SHE CUT AN INCH), and then insulted me by saying I needed to use a deep conditioner. I was SO upset! But I do think my ends look so much better. I’m still somewhat upset over the experience. Maybe I can teach MM how to trim my hair?

I’ve also switched to low-poo shampoo. Low-poo just means you are using fewer harsh chemicals in your hair, but not none. I’ve mentioned before that I tried no-poo, and it didn’t go well at all. I think switching to low-poo was a good idea to ease my hair into no-poo in a few months. I haven’t decided quite when! I have been using shea moisture shampoo, like the one here over at amazon. It was on sale at ulta a month ago, and I just couldn’t resist making the switch. And to be honest, that is why my hair photos haven’t been looking that great lately. Also my photos seem to be after a deep conditioning or being in a bun…so hopefully this time I am taking GOOD photos from now on. I can finally say that my hair has started to go back to normal, it isn’t too greasy or too dry.

My routine:

• Wash with luke warm water, not hot! Any kind of heat damages your hair, so I don’t want to boil my hair.
• Wash with shea moisture, rinse thoroughly.
• No towel dry-let it drip dry or wrap in an old tshirt/material that isn’t as damaging to your hair.
• Apply argan oil to the ends, just a few drops.
• After it air drys, use a wide tooth comb to get the tangles out. Start at the bottom, and go up.

I can go about four days without washing my hair, and my hair still looks good and isn’t oily. If it is feeling oily, then I’ll use a boar bristle brush to help the oils move from the scalp down. Taking small chunks of my hair and brushing it thoroughly.

Another month down, and I’m really looking forward to the next month. When I started this, I thought I would wait until my hair was 8” and then cut my hair and donate it. I don’t know if I can do that! And to think that 8” of hair is at your chin, which is 16 months of growing. Thank goodness I am already 25% there! By this time next year, I will have the option of cutting my hair…just not sure I will do it!


and then there are always the halfway distracted photos.....